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My Life and PolyTampa by Penny Jacob How does it affect my life to be part of a polyamory support group like PolyTampa? It's not something people living outside my head might notice. I've been Poly for years now, only refining it to include rules within the last few years. Before that I thought I was the only person around who wanted to have open honest relationships with more than one person. I'm not involved with more than one person right now, and haven't been for the past few years. That has to do with the kind of person I'd like to find, and the kind of relationship I'd like to be in. It's not a requirement to have multiple ongoing relationships to be a member of PolyTampa. I draw on my past experiences, and my hopes for future relationships, and find a lot of common ground with other members of the group. And we often find that we have more in common than just being polyamorous people. Some days I think that being Poly affects the way I relate to all people in my life, not just those who I have a romantic or sexual relationship with. In my mind, everyone I meet has the potential to be someone I love. Most of them aren't, but the potential still exists. A person I meet tomorrow or a friend for years could become someone who I get involved with for a long term relationship When I got married, I didn't have may friends who were actively Poly. I knew one group, and I wanted to invite them. But we set the maximum number of people to invite as fifty people, and my spouse's family took up more of that number than we'd planned. We couldn't bring ourselves to invite another family of six or seven people, until it was too late to do so. I still regret that my friends weren't there to see me get married. If I had to do it again, I'd invite fewer nieces and more friends. I'm more at ease in dealing with Poly families, groups, networks and conglomerations these days. I still felt like the only one then. Neither my partner nor I is having sex with a lot of people these days. 'Casual' isn't what we're looking for in other relationships. We're hoping to be part of a multi-adult family and part of a community some day. A couple of women, a couple of men, a child or two, and a community of people who at least understand that we are a family. PolyTampa is a place where we can talk about those hopes without getting a lot of, "You're doing what?!" responses. We didn't start PolyTampa. Neither of us felt that sure of ourselves. We were happy to join, and to talk to other folks about how we do Poly. And we found that although everyone in the group has their own particular ideal for relationships, no one is telling us that what we're looking for isn't right. That makes a difference. We can talk about wishing for a third or fourth person in our relationship, and not worry about having to explain again what polyamory is and that we're serious. We can talk without feeling the person we're talking to will decide that it's all a euphamism for some sort of an illicit affair. Being part of PolyTampa means that when we plan to do things with other members, or other "couples" the "couples" may well consist of more than two people. Miss Manners doesn't address the dynamics of doing things with folks in a Poly relationship. For example, if you invite someone and zir* significant other to dinner, do you also plan for the significant other's significant other? For us, we do plan that way. I don't know what other people do. I've always felt that it's best to be inclusive rather than exclusive. I don't like to invite one member of a relationship to do something without including zir partner(s) in the invitation. It keeps life interesting. When I arrived at a restaurant to meet another member of PolyTampa for lunch a couple weeks ago, I told the hostess I was meeting someone and didn't know if zie was there yet. The hostess asked if there would be three of us. I wasn't sure how to answer. As far as I knew I was only meeting one person, but that person has two partners who I also know and like. Either one of them, or even both could have opted to join us for lunch at the last minute. Not to mention the potential for a partner's partner to come along. The hostess sent me to look and see if I saw the person I was meeting, which was the easiest solution. There were only two of us, and we turned a few heads at neighboring tables with our conversation. We weren't even trying. Being part of PolyTampa means that once a month I see several friends and frequently several new people who want to find out more about being Poly or about PolyTampa. A group with new folks constantly being mixed in is not always the best place to find support. We spend a lot of time answering the same questions over and over again. We also listen to people who have been through some path of "Poly-hell". But those of us who come regularly do find support and kindred souls among the other regulars. A lot of people who come to one meeting don't come to another. But a few become regulars, and learn the names and the relationships of the other regulars. That makes a difference. Being part of PolyTampa means that if I'm sitting home alone one night because my spouse is out on a date, or just out doing something that I'm not interested in, I know that there are other people who I can call who have been in the same position. It means that when my partner does start to date someone and is high on new relationship energy, I know where to find people who will say , "Yeah, that happens, how are you doing?" rather than, "Dump the bum!". It means that I'm happy to talk to someone who is worried about zir significant other's other significant other, because I remember what it's like to be in that position and to not want to bring the subject up to most of the world because it's too complicated to explain yet again. Polyamory is a big part of my life, but it's not one that stands out to the rest of the world right now. I have only one partner currently. I pass as mainstream on that account, unless I choose to make a point of not passing. For me it's similar to being female not shaving my legs: it's easier to pass by not making a point of the issue than to go to the trouble of explaining why I don't. I'm not fully happy with the situation. I don't know how my partner and I will deal with our families of origin when we get involved with other partners. I don't really see either of our mothers as wanting to know - they both tend to prefer not to know too many details of our lives. I don't excluding an 'other spouse' from future family gatherings. If we sleep three or four to a bed, I don't see agreeing to separate rooms if we all happen to go to stay with someone's mother for a visit. I'd prefer to be fully open about all my relationships, but I wonder how that will work. It's not something I have to deal with just yet, but I know there are folks in PolyTampa who have already done some of these things and can tell me what it was like for them. Perhaps that will make it easier when the time comes. I have found more support than I'd ever expected from our polyamory support group. I've found people whose interests and experiences overlap mine, which makes for good conversation. I've found people who aren't afraid to talk about the hard aspects of open relationships, and the work that must be done just to keep the relationships steady. I've often been unsure of what people get from support groups. And even having met the people who put PolyTampa together before ever attending a meeting, I worried that there would be some kind of a hidden agenda, or that I'd get to a meeting and it would turn out that there was no discussion, only a bunch of strangers having sex. It didn't turn out that way. Perhaps some of the people who only come to one meeting are hoping to meet a bunch of strangers having sex, and when they find out that we're really talking for two or more hours, they loose interest in us. I don't know. What matters to me is that this group is making my life better. I've made friends who I expect to keep long after I move out of this area. (Perhaps it's because I'm Poly that I mentally hold on to my friends as if there were a network of invisible wires tying us together.) I don't feel like I'm the only person "doing this" anymore. At least not all the time. Even when I'm submerged in the mainstream world, working with people who have never heard of polyamory, it's not such a big step to find someone who will understand, and just knowing where to find someone makes a big difference for me.
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